This puppy is about phone anxiety and karma.

It’s about learning to forgive everybody, including myself.

and a bunch of photos from Toronto in 2015 with regretful edits. 

I have serious phone anxiety. I realize most people are saying this now too, and I appreciate the whole not being alone thing, but honestly I got to get over this.

It is so counterproductive it has caused me so many problems, this is insane.

So for me to get over this I had to ask myself, why do I feel like this?

Why do I hate this method of communication more than any other?

The answer is because telephone calls are live.

I’m talking live on television in front of everybody ever.

It’s live as Hell.

I am an incredibly passionate person, and I have a ton of impulse control issues so frankly, I need even 30 seconds to process how to respond to people.

And since long breaks in the phone are incredibly uncomfortable, I avoid phone calls.

Do you remember when George W Bush was in that debate in 2004 and had an insanely long drawn out pause? I didn’t make fun of him because I fucking do the same thing. I felt so bad for him but he’s had everybody in the world see him processing a thought in real time.

I also absolutely love to have receipts of conversations. This is proven me wrong or right so many times and ways that have absolutely saved me.

I do not text anything anymore that I would not be comfortable having somebody screenshot and put it on the Internet. That has also helped me to not say so many mean things. It naturally cleaned up my words when I realized the objective was to be able to stand in front of 7 billion people and say what’s on my mind.

So naturally, I talk less shit, I use nicer words, I think about what I say before saying it.

Now, does that mean that I don’t have any incriminating text messages that I may regret? Does that mean I don’t slip up sometimes? No. I do slip up. 

I regret it immediately now, instead of brushing it off or justifying it.

Another thing I have been guilty off, is sharing the words of others in one of these circumstances. Risking their heads, and mine. CRINGE. I’m mentally hiding under the carpet. 

I’ve been caught, and caught others in this same offense. 

This also circles back to karma. If we do it, it will happen to us. If we talk crap, we will have crap talked on us. We share private receipts, we will be exposed too. 

Do you know what the worst part of karma is? It takes time. So you might forget about your crime, and start moving on with your life and then slam right in the back of your head is the result of your actions years ago. Surprise.

Quick palate cleanser:

A rare moment: my handsome and stoic husband making me laugh in public <3 

And that is why in every movie, we stand there like Neo in The Matrix looking at the window scaffolding saying “why me, why me?”.

Because in that moment we’re not currently hacking and breaking the law we’re just standing there “becoming victimized” at our own hands, instead of asking ourselves:

“What the hell have I been up to?”

And if Neo had asked himself that question, he would acknowledge that he has been involved in large scale criminal activity. 

And so what the heck am I getting to?

I am growing more and more aware of the words that I use, and how I use information given to me. 

If the worst case scenario is I sound like an awkward moron on the phone sometimes, then that’s fine. I can use the phone because I can use my words, and frankly, I’ll let you sit while I think. I’ll do my best to eat my anxiety when you long pause me too.

I am also directly acknowledging that karma is real, and she takes her sweet baby time to show up and teach you a lesson.

I am acting better, and forgiving myself because I have a reason to. I am learning from my mistakes.

and the hardest part? forgiving the people who have struck me with the same sword I myself have used.

I mean really forgiving. Like actually, deeply forgiving them. Because if I will stand in the stocks begging for forgiveness, I will do the same to the next guy stuck in there…because it is likely my day will come again. 

Quick equation on how: 

is there remorse? Does the person realize when they went wrong? 

If someone is sorry and acknowledges what happened, then they know better. Hopefully, that also means they will do better.  

and if it’s any consolation, when you are hurt by someone who doesn’t want to acknowledge their actions, you realize they will fall on their own sword. It’s a matter of time.

I also believe we can also do our best to hopefully beat down the backspin of that boomerang when it is coming for us. Because I have to believe that if we do better and we truly show ourselves to the universe that we are willing to be better, then the powers that be even might slow down that boomerang a bit. They might even help you dodge it.

So I am taking calls and using my words these days. I’ll let you know how that works out. 

(and don’t these edits blow? my god whyyyyyy)