Trigger Warning: Sexual assault/ Emotional abuse
 
This is my experience with an attempted acquaintance rapist, who utilized psychological abuse in an effort to coerce me into a sexual act. 
 

I remember putting on a pink t-shirt, khaki shorts, and my Etnies (because I was, and am, a poser). I felt cool. 

I had my parents permission to be in this guy’s car. They didn’t think twice, because they knew him, and trusted him too.

When he pulled up, I slammed the front door behind me and happily jumped into the car of a guy that planned to sexually assault me. 

Him and I are having small talk about mutual friends, our social plans, school, etc. 
 
I’m fucking oblivious. 
 
Suddenly, he turned the radio completely off.
 
Instead of continuing on our route, he abruptly turned left into an abandoned school parking lot. 
 
My mind so desperately fought for anything other than what was actually happening.
 
To me. And by him. Which is impossible.
 
He’s not a monster and I’m not a sexual assault victim. This isn’t happening.  
 
Once he threw his car in park, and rather advantageously pushed his seat back, my brain accepted I was in deep shit. 

At this point, he goes on to explain that since he has given me a lift, I owe him a favor.

I AM STILL trying to find a shred of hope and say “I’ll give you 10 bucks for gas when I get paid!” or something. 

He then clarifies that he expects to be paid sexually, and we are not leaving until I do.

As a recap:

A teenage boy has a teenage girl in a locked car, not at their planned destination and instead in an abandoned parking lot. He is under the impression that a 5 minute drive should be paid for via oral sex. This is a transaction agreed upon entirely in his head, without my consent. He is abundantly aware I do not like him romantically, and he is aware that I am happily dating someone else.

As I attempt to maintain my composure, I look around the overgrown parking lot at my options.

If I could get out of the car fast enough and took off running, could I make it to the neighboring houses?

Maybe I will let him catch me as I’m running across the lot, and that will create a lot of noise, and somebody will hear me before he drags me back to his car. 

Loved ones close to me know that when I’m experiencing profound pain, anger, or fear, I start laughing.

I’ve read that in moments like this, when essentially it’s just a little too much for your frontal lobe, that you react involuntarily. 

This same laugh has gotten me in trouble so many times. Cross looks at funerals, confused nurses during childbirth, infuriated/perplexed people I am arguing with, etc. 

Frozen in terror, and staring through his dashboard, I start laughing and shaking my head, arms crossed tightly.

It’s unsettling to say the least, and it may have got me out of this situation.

His demeanor suddenly changed, and he went for the “I was just joking” defense. 

He suddenly starts the car, puts the music back on, and drove as if the past 12 minutes never happened.

I got “lucky”. 
I also have a ton of guilt. 
 
Why didn’t I tell anyone?
Who else was hurt as a result of me staying quiet?
Why did I suppress this for over 20 years?

I was different after that day. 

If THIS kid could be so horrific, who else can be? I played in a sandbox with this boy. 

How did I not see this coming? 

What other snakes are in my grass?

What did he do wrong?
 
1. Misused the trust, and betrayed virtually everyone involved. 
2. He made me feel unsafe.
3. There was an “implication” that if I did not “pay” up to whatever the hell he thought he was owed in his head, that he would collect regardless, and refused to leave until I paid up.
 
Why now? 
I finally allowed myself to remember, and now I am finally sharing what I learned.
 
Who did this?
Please don’t ask. That’s not why I shared this. I’m not looking to ruin this guys life. I hope he reads this and has already forgiven himself and got the help he needed. 
 
What is my intention for sharing this?
 
1. In case someone relates while reading this, and it helps them process, and hopefully forgive…because enough of that bullshit. 
2. So parents can protect their kids from becoming a victim, or the assailant.