“Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.”

-Rob Gordon, High Fidelity  

I can’t go home anymore. 

Luckily, I can go to a place that once made me feel safe.  This is Hemlock. 

A cabin, that is virtually stuck in time, and thank god. It is literally a time capsule. The only thing that has changed inside this space is the human beings. I walk in and immediately sit in the exact same spot on the million year old green corduroy couch and see 20 years of memories come together into the same place at once. I see drunk kids making out on the couch across from me, while another couple argues upstairs in one of the bedrooms. A game of flip cup in the dining room, a kid running by in a yellow poncho, miscellaneous beer cans and snacks on every single surface.

I glance up to see my 18 year old self dancing on the kitchen table to Kanye West’s “Jesus Walks” and I’m thinking nothing other than “This. Is. It.” I’m free. I can do whatever I want. I’ve got a great boyfriend who thinks I am awesome and he is also awesome. My friends and I will conquer the world and never part. I wish I could stay in that moment. That golden, soft, Hollister-clad moment that feels like a dream. I just didn’t know yet. 

I’ve been a painfully insecure human being since a very young age. Simply put, I thought I sucked.

I desperately wanted someone to love me. And I mean me. The darkest of the dark, but also my overwhelmingly bright. My art. My unfortunate case of low self esteem, which I’m working on. My exhaustingly high sex drive. My horrendous attention span. My icy exterior, with lava insides. My mania. My fun. Because every single day is an adventure with me, I just need to surround myself with loved ones with stamina and patience. I need friends and partners that can be ground control for when I’m in space.

So now, from this green couch, I see this girl, and I want to tell her: 

You are your own worst enemy, get a therapist. 

You don’t need to worry about finding him. He arrives on time, and he’s better than you dreamed.

You’re gonna love and learn from other beautiful and influential lovers along the way. 

Sometimes you will be the hero, and sometimes the villain.

I am so grateful to my old friend, and the rest of her family for sharing their safe haven with me since I was twelve. I’m so thankful to have had this chance to revisit my past with my present. To have relaxed, instead of passed out drunk on the rocks by the pond. To have woken up with the sun, instead of falling asleep to it. To watch my babies fish with their dad and uncle. To photograph, revisit, process, cry, laugh, and miss the women from my past that always had my back, even if I was too fogged to realize it. 

I see you all now, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying to you. I’m sorry for lying to myself.

I love you always. My door and life is always open to you. I’d love to reintroduce myself, if you got the time. 

Thank you for bringing me home to myself, to see how far I have come. 

From standing on the table with a beer, to the floor with a baby.